Smells Like... B.O. transcript
(At the school, a janitor is checking the inventory in the basement, when he comes across an opening. He goes down and finds a monster resting below. The janitor runs and gets caught, only for the monster to let him go out of disgust. The janitor shrugs and runs off.) (it cuts to outside the school where Kadic is talking to an exterminator) Kadic: I don't know where these skunks are coming from. Get all of them before school starts tomorrow. Exterminator: Yessir. (the exterminator prepares to go to work, but stops as all of the skunks get pulled into the ground. Kadic comes back out.) Kadic: Done already? Well I was hoping I wouldn't have to pay you extra so... take the week off. I'm sure we could guilt some students into filling in for you. (Kadic leaves) Exterminator: Thank you mysterious thing that ate all those skunks. (intro plays) (in the morning, the girls are walking to gym.) Alison: Those tomboys are full of crap. Sure, we want to prove we're just as capable as the guys, but come on, gym class? Colleen: At least you're not three pounds underweight. Georgina: Well at least you don't have ultra long hair. No doubt there'll be a tiff over that. Elizabeth: This wouldn't be so bad if the guys were part of this too. The coach would put all of his energy into the very gender that keeps professional sports alive. Dolly: Where are they any way? Sam: Apparently they've all joined the football team and are playing a game in Ottawa. (it cuts to the guys in a conga line.) Boys: Football football football! (back to the girls, they get close to the gym.) Dolly: I heard we totally got a new gym teacher. Suzy: Oh boy, wonder what stereotype he'll fall under? (the girls open the gym doors and a dodgeball hits Dolly in the face. She wakes up and her vision clears to reveal a hunky guy who caught the ball.) Guy: Right on time. Girls: Hummuna hummuna hummuna- Guy: I'm coach Gunnar. I'd love to introduce myself further, but I'd like to get today's exercises out of the way so we could have the rest of the period to chill out. Alison: Sounds good to me. Gunnar: Let's start with a round of jumping jacks, then a free run. (the girls immediately get to work on the jumping jacks. They get distracted by Gunnar reading a book facing away from them and wind up getting hit by each other's hands. Gunnar jokingly laughs.) Suzy: Even when he's teasing us he's adorable. Jenny: You could play with me anytime. Just like that guy who touched my feet when I was an extra on- (the other girls look at her.) Jenny: What? Gunnar: Alrightly girls. Time for a free run. Let's see who could outlast the rest. (the girls run. It cuts to Julie's perspective.) Julie: I'm a force of nature. While these babies were playing on their Game Boys, okay I play on Game Boys too but that's not the point, I was busy readying myself for the perfect guy. My stride is unbeatable. If it hadn't been for my unwillingness to step in the way of tradition, I'd make a fine football player. I'd get all the guys phone numbers. I wonder if any other guys are here- (Julie looks away and runs into a pole, getting knocked out.) Alison: Don't daydream and run! Or we'll get all the fun! Colleen: Really? Alison: Too corny? Colleen: No I like that. (all the girls keep up with one another until Fiona gets onto all fours and outruns them.) Fiona: Haha! You can't beat quadrupeds! Becky: Hey no fair. (the girls stop to catch their breath.) Alison: This has, to be a record. *gasp, gasp* Jenny: I taste blood, and chicken. (Jenny opens her mouth and we see her heart is in her throat.) Phoebe: Ech, close it! Gunnar: Amazing work girls. Georgina: You see that? He said I did amazing! Alison: He said we're all amazing, don't try to twist it. Georgina: Kiljoy. Gunnar: Now, let's do some exercises. Girls: Again? (Gunnar drinks a bottle of water and turns his side to the girls.) Girls: Again! (the girls are ordered to do pushups.) Alison: One, is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. (another rep) Alison: Two, could be as bad as one. Julie: Darkness! (another rep) Julie: Imprisoning me! (rep three) Julie: I cannot live! I cannot die! Jenny: It doesn't matter what I say. (rep two) Jenny: Long as I say it with infliction. Fiona: Biding my time. (rep two) Fiona: Until I'm strong enough. (rep three) Fiona: To fight back. Gunnar: Sit-ups! (it's a montage of the girls doing different exercises, getting psychological motivation by looking at Gunnar. When it's over, the girls rest.) Julie: If I wake up and my stomach feels harder than a Capcom game, this'll be worth it. Colleen: Not as worth it as a nice hot shower. Georgina: Amen to that pauper. Gunnar: Sorry kids, the showers are busted. Alison: Really? Well if they are we could sneak into the boy's locker room and use their showers. They're not even- Gunnar: Sure, if you girls want to get you some toe fungus. Alison: Okay fine, we'll do it at home then. Gunnar: Whatever you say, oh, and be sure to leave your gym clothes in the hamper. Julie: Since you're new here, you should know that we always put our clothes in the hamper. We're not animals, mostly. (the girls go into the locker room.) Alison: Putting on our clothes without showering? This is going to be weird. Colleen: We have class in half an hour so whoever's in is in and vice versa. Georgina: *breathes in and out* Here we go. (the girls remove their gym clothes and slide into their regular outfits.) All: Ech. (the girls exit.) Gunnar: How do you feel? Alison: Gross. Gunnar: Look at it like this. It's a sign that you've all done well. Angela: Well we did find our limits. Julie: And I can't wait for tomorrow's payoff. Gunnar: That's the spirit. He who reeks is he who goes the extra mile. Keep that with you. (the girls smile and walk toward the exit. Phoebe drops her phone in a trash can.) Phoebe: Oops, dropped my phone. (Phoebe goes into the trash can.) Alison: Here, let us help you. (the others follow her in.) (Gunnar goes for the hamper and pushes it into the basement.) (the girls head to Ms. Chapley's class.) Ms. Chapley: Hope you all enjoyed gym class, especially since it came without male deconstruction. We could all cool down with some- Phew, why does it smell like a chocolate starfish in hot dog flavored water in here? Alison: Beats me. Dolly: Yeah, we totally don't know. (everyone else agrees.) Ms. Chapley: Okay, enough feigned naivety, why do you girls stink so bad? Angela: We don't stink. We're accomplished. Elizabeth: Besides the showers are busted. Ms. Chapley: We've delimed them last night. Who fed you such baloney? Alison: Coach Gunnar. Ms. Chapley: Never heard of him. Dolly: Uh hello? Totally hunky guy. Ms. Chapley: Puh, one-sided romance. Is there a sicker form of love? Kadic: Excuse me, I need to make a quick announcement. (Kadic enters the room.) Ms. Chapley: You could interrupt my class anytime Curtis. Kadic: Er, okay then. Anyway, there has been a- Good lord what's that smell? Ms. Chapley: You're looking at it. Kadic: Girls? Alison: We don't care if we stink. A wise man just told us nearly an hour ago that stink is another way of saying accomplished, and not exactly in that way. Kadic: Was the proper saying get cleaned up or get out? Angela: Maybe if you weren't such a stuck-up jerk-wad, you could sympathize with us. Kadic: Sorry, but I'd rather be cold and heartless if it means I could be against writhing in my own filth. Now, where's that wise guy who fed you such asininity? Gunnar: That'd be me. Kadic: Okay, me, why did you tell these girls not to shower? Gunnar: First, my name's Gunnar, second, I want them to hold onto what they've accomplished. (Gunnar looks at them. The girls give him sultry looks while Ms. Chapley gives him a glazed look.) Ms. Chapley: I've seen better. Kadic: Look buddy, I won't allow you to turn my students into walking composts. It's not- (Gunnar gives him a dollar.) Kadic: Are you bribing me!? Gunnar: Bribery is the sincerest form of flattery. Kadic: Well it's still not right. (Gunnar gives him more money.) Kadic: It's not right, but it's okay. (more money) Kadic: It's okay, but I don't agree with it. (even more money) Kadic: I have no complaints, now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to my office and cry for a few hours. (Kadic leaves) Gunnar: Once again, I'm proud of you girls. (Gunnar leaves.) (Julie takes out a bag of onions.) Sam: I sense desperation. Julie: What? I need an extra boost. (Julie bies into one.) Sam: Can I have one? (at the end of the day, the girls all walk home. Sam picks up a flower, but as she smells it it rapidly dies.) Sam: Huh? (Alison and Colleen walk by a radio playing Free Bird, but the song changes to That Smell.) (Julie goes to her house.) Julie: I'm back. (Julie's stench lines go across the house, killing nearby plants, making the wallpaper peel and changing what's on the news.) Reporter: And I personally await this years spri- sprrrrin- SPRRRRARRRGH! Stephy: I take it that's you killing our house? Julie: Yep. I accomplished quite a lot today, and I have the scent to prove it. Stephy: What did you accomplish? Julie: I worked out, and this stink will guide me to a new bod. Stephy: Wanna know what'd compliment it more? A shower. Julie: Are you listening? Stephy: I am listening. What better way to feel the effects of a good workout than by taking a shower? You could better see how tight you've become. Julie: I think I'll pass. My coach will disagree. Stephy: I'm guessing he's some beefcake? Julie: Oh Stephy, you have no idea. His name's Gunnar, and he's too good for this world. Stephy: Well, the bigger the mass, the more likely that it'd go into the brain. I mean, just look at me. (Stephy gives a light flex and shows her athletic build.) Stephy: And I shower by the way. Julie: Whatever. Stephy: Wait, now it's all coming together. You have a crush on this guy, amirite? Julie: Yeah, and I'm going to get him. Stephy: Yeah, get him arrested for underaged dating. Julie: Look, this is a tough time for me, so I'd be happy if you just, I dunno, do what... you do. Stephy: Whatever. (Julie runs out.) Stephy: Let's see who this Gunnar is. (Stephy goes on the computer and looks up Coach Gunnar. She finds a match on a cult leader who sacrifices kids by ripening them.) Stephy: Ripen? Wait, the B.O., gym teacher, ugh, always the attractive ones. (Stephy stands up.) Stephy: Hey girls! The gym teacher is a madman who's making you stink so he could sacrifice you to his god! Yeah... I wouldn't buy that either. But... where is that monster? (Stephy's phone rings) Stephy: Can't talk now, I'm at work. (Stephy runs to the school and meets principal Kadic.) Stephy: Mr. Kadic, I'm not sure if you'll believe me, but I think something serious is going down on a grand scale. Kadic: Oh I know, does this have to do with the girls refusal to shower? Stephy: Pretty much. Kadic: I'd love to help you out, but I've... been given a high price tag. Stephy: Ugh... Here's my paycheck! Now will you help me? Kadic: Of course. What more do you know? Stephy: Apparantly Gunnar is a cult leader who wants to sacrifice stinky children to a monster god. Kadic: Let's see, suddenly shows up, I have no idea who he is, he has this weird effect on these girls, your description isn't too far off. But what could I do? Stephy: You could help me try and find that monster. Kadic: Well it isn't here, that's for sure. We haven't had any happenings in this school that weren't artificial. Janitor: I quit! I had a tentacle pull me below the basement and then throw me! I'm saving myself for marriage for petes sake! (the janitor runs off.) Kadic: Below the basement? But that means he's referring to- No, nobody's been down there in years. Stephy: What is it? Kadic: There was a subbasement, but we closed it off since we no longer had a reason to go down there. It's completely hidden from the rest of the town. Stephy: Ripe for exploitation it seems. Let's investigate. Kadic: You lead. (the two head to the basement but get trampled by the girls who're heading to the gym.) Kadic: It's the end of the day! Suzy: Coach Gunnar is giving after school lessons! Kadic: Coach Gunnar is giving me indigestion. Stephy: Rest easy sir. We'll wait it out. (the two spy on Gunnar through the gym doors.) Gunnar: Alright girls, time for the ultimate exercise. Let's jog down to the basement! Alison: This makes no sense but I'm willing to believe you! All: Agreed! (they burst through the doors, slamming Kadic and Stephy into the walls.) Stephy: Times like this I wish I was still a chimera. Kadic: To the basement! (both follow the girls to the basement. Gunnar finds the secret entrance to the subbasement and the tentacles rise out of it. They detect the sent of the girls and grab them.) Kadic: You know, we probably should've called him out before he opened the door. Stephy: Who do you think we are? Plain jane heroes? (both bust the door open.) Kadic: Caught you in the act! Gunnar: Fine by me, it's too late anyways. My god is about to have its tenth year feast. I knew going for stupid little girls would be the easiest way- (he notices they've already left.) Gunnar: I need to stop being so expository. (the two get to the subbasement and see the girls screaming at the sight of the giant monster.) Stephy: Don't run away. Kadic: I won't. I'll try to free the girls, you do the heavy work. Stephy: Par the course. (Stephy tackles the monster, but fails to leave a dent, yet she keeps trying. Meanwhile, Kadic attempts to break the cocoons the girls are in.) Kadic: Why couldn't this be cotton candy? (Kadic sees some residue from the cocoons have gotten onto his hands.) Kadic: Eugh, just to be safe. (Kadic puts hand sanitizer on his hands then goes back to trying to rip the cocoons open. The cocoons burn upon being touched,) Kadic: No wonder he wanted you girls to be filthy! (Kadic frees the rest.) Alison: May we be excused? Kadic: If you shower. Colleen: Done deal! (the girls run out.) Kadic: Stephy! Cleanliness is its only weakness! Stephy: Figured! Kadic: Catch! (Kadic throws her some soap and hand sanitizer.) Stephy: All these years I've wanted to find a good movie quote to use in a moment like this. Eh... these aren't pillows! (Stephy applies the cleaning products to the monster and it shrivels up. She rejoins Kadic.) Kadic: Well done! Think of it Stephy, we'd make the best team ever, KADIC AND STEPHY! (Stephy gives him a glazed look.) Kadic: Okay Stephy and Kadic, but why do I have to compromise? Stephy: No offense, but I'd rather stick with people in my own age group. Kadic: Fair enough. Now let's deal with our musclebound friend. (they go to find Gunnar. He tries to escape but they squirt him with sanitizer and he shrinks into a shriveled old man.) Stephy: Just as I expected. (the two tie him up.) Kadic: Let's go check on the girls. (the two go to the locker room and see the girls are finishing their shower. They get dressed and meet the two.) Alison: That felt amazing! Georgina: Rule of thumb, if a guy wants you to be smelly, kick him to the curb. Julie: Stephy! (Julie grabs and shakes her) Julie: I've learned a priceless lesson! Stephy: Always shower? Julie: Eh, pretty much. Where is that punk anyways? Kadic: Back in the basement, but now, you could take him. (Gunnar sees the girls are in front of him. They throw their dirty laundry at him.)